I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
