I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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