one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
