he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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