I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
