i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
