I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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