So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
