Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
