too bad you live with your parents still
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
