i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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