His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
