And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
