At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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