Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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