I cut my penus on the lid.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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