Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
