please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
