I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
