The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
