Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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