hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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