He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
