My underwear smells like fireworks.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
