Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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