Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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