sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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