I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
