so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
