i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
