I wish I could punch you in the face.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
