So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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