Absence makes the cock grow harder.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
