Fine. I'll sleep in my office
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize