You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
