Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
