I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize