Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
