Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize