I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You work out of a Hotel?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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