nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
