I showed him my bush... on skype.
I've blown a few things in my day
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
