I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize