i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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