the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
