Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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