Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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