If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize