I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
