I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
