I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
