Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
