I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
