So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
