Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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