I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
