go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We're too hungover to prance.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
