This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize