I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
