iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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