i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize