I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
the liver wants what the liver wants
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
