oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
